Left Behind?

I want to jot down my thoughts about this topic so that I can look back later and see if my feelings have changed. I completely agree with my wife's post "Eenie, Meenie, Minee, Mo." I find this process of 'deciding' much more difficult than I expected. I'm not one to easily attach to children who are not mine yet. I started this adoption journey with two siblings in mind based on little more than a picture. None of the children know that we have been considering them.

Surely I feel a sense of responsibility about the outcome of this decision to adopt on my family. I'm trying hard to listen to the advice of those with more experience and wisdom than I have. I'm trying to look at the simple facts about the ages and personalities of our children and hoping to find an adopted child or children who will 'fit right in' as much as possible. I know that there will be difficult adjustments for any older child in the eight to ten year old range (I can only imagine what it would be like for them). At the end of the day, I also believe that God has known for quite some time how this will all turn out - and I trust Him. We are currently leaning toward a few specific children; children who are not the same ones that I started out with in mind. For a number of reasons, my initial choice (if given one) seems to be one that would likely be more difficult to adjust to because of age and gender 'fit' with my family. So in the past few days my reason has made me think that some specific other children may very well be best for us.

Today I was thinking about what it might be like to travel to Ethiopia to meet our new children, to spend time at the orphanage with them and meet their friends. Then I realized that the children we currently have in mind are at the same orphanage as the children who I started this journey with; I was suddenly hit hard by the thought of meeting them. How could I possibly look them in the eyes and then leave them behind? It made me not want to go to that orphanage; not because I would not love other children, but because for some reason those children haven't left me. How could I leave them?