More about Collecting

2. Provide Something for the Child to Hold On to
The point is for them to hold on figuratively. We need to give children something they can take to heart and not let go of. Whatever we provide must come from us or be ours to give. Attention and interest are powerful primers of connections. Signs of affection are potent. If we have a twinkle in our eye and warmth in our voice, we invite connection that most children will not turn down. Children will want to hold on to the knowledge that they are special to us and appreciated in our life. For our own children, hugs and embraces can warm up a child long after the hug is over. Convey a sense of sameness or find an opportunity to demonstrate some loyalty. This could be as simple as noticing that you have something in common or share a common interest. For children to fully receive it, it has to be genuine and unconditional. And the child must perceive the offering to be spontaneous for connection to work. We can't collect a child by giving what is expected - like a birthday gift or reward - or it will be associated with the event not the relationship. Meeting needs on demand must not be mistaken for enriching the relationship. In collecting a child, the element of initiative and surprise is vital. It is a way of conveying spontaneous delight in the child's very being when he is not asking for anything. Highly insecure children can be exhaustingly demanding of time and attention. The conundrum is that giving attention at the request of the child is never satisfactory. The solution is to seize the moment, to invite contact exactly when the child is not demanding it, or if in response, the parent can express more interest than the child was expecting. The foundation of a child's true self esteem is the sense of being accepted, loved, and enjoyed by the parents exactly as he, the child, is.

3. Invite Dependence
To invite an older child to depend on us is to convey that he can trust us, count on us, lean on us, be cared for by us. We are conveying that he can trust us, and count on us, lean on us. She can come to us for assistance and expect our help. Our new-world preoccupation with independence gets in the way. In thousands of little ways, we pull and push our children to grow up..instead of inviting them to rest. We are pushing them away from us rather than bringing them to us. Can you imagine the effect on adult wooing if we conveyed the message: don't expect me to help you with anything I think you should or could be able to do yourself. It is doubtful that the relationship would ever be cemented. Independence is a fruit of maturation; our job in raising children is to look after their dependence needs. Only when the dependence needs are met does the quest for independence begin. Our refusal to invite them to depend on us drives them into the arms of each other. Transfer of dependence is often confused with independence. The only way to become independent is through being dependent.