Attaching

I finally got to some of the advice sections of Hold On To Your Kids. Here are some quickly taken notes on things that seemed important from Chapter 14. --


The attachment dance has four distinct steps. These steps progress in a specific order and, as they do, they form the basic model for all human courtship interaction. The four steps provide the sequence we need to follow in the task of collecting our children, from infancy and beyond through adolescence.

1. Get in the child's face - or space - in a friendly way
2. Provide something for the child to hold on to
3. Invite dependence
4. Act as the child's compass point

1. Get in the child's face - or space - in a friendly way
The objective is to attract the child's eyes, to evoke a smile, and, if possible, elicit a nod. The starting point and the primary goal in all our connections with children ought to be the relationship itself, not conduct or behavior. The average toddler experiences a prohibition every nine minutes. Even as we must be guardians, we need to keep getting in their faces in ways that are warm and inviting, that keep enticing them to stay in relationship with us. As children get older the challenge changes to getting in their 'space' in a friendly way. It is especially important to collect our children after any time of separation. The most common is the greeting, which is the prerequisite for all successful interactions. A greeting should collect the eyes, a smile, and a nod. Sometimes the separation may be due to a child's being preoccupied with something. The first interaction should be to reestablish connection. It is fruitless to give a child directions when she is completely focused on something. Collecting our children is also important after separation caused by sleep. A morning warm-up time can be very fruitful. In short, we need to build routines of collecting our children into our daily lives. It is especially important to reconnect after any sort of emotional separation (e.g., argument). Rebuilding 'the interpersonal bridge' is always our responsibility, rather than the children's. It is undoubtedly this act of collecting a child that sets the master teacher apart from all the others.