A Compass Point

Here is the fourth point from Holding On to Your Kids.

4. Act as a Child's Compass Point
Since children depend on us to get their bearings, we must assume the role of compass point and act as their guide. Many of us lose this orienting instinct with older children. We no longer assume the role of introducing the to those around them, of familiarizing them with their world, of informing them of what is going to happen, and of interpreting what things mean. Imagine being in a foreign city, lost and confused, separated from your belongings, unable to speak or understand the language, and feeling hopeless and helpless. Imagine someone approaching you and offering her assistance in your own language. After she had helped orient you about the persons to contact and places to go, every instinct within you would be primed to maintain closeness with your guide. Once she turned to go, you would seek to prolong the conversation, grasping at straws to keep her close. We have to remember that children are in need of being oriented, and that we are their best resource for that, whether they know it or not. The more we orient them in terms of time and space, people and happenings, meanings and circumstances, the more inclined they are to keep us close. We must not wait for their confused look, but confidently assume our position in their life as guide and interpreter. Even a little bit of orienting at the beginning of the day can go a long way in keeping them close: "This is where I'll be.., what I have in mind for this evening is.., let me show you how this works..," …and of course orienting them about their identity and significance: "you have a special way of.., you have a gift in…" The secret for the adult is to take advantage of any orienting voids the child is experiencing by offering himself as a guide. If you can arrange situations that render the child dependent on you to get his bearings, so much the better for priming an attachment.